Googling Questions I Should Have Asked God
This semester has been really hard. I have lived and battled with anxiety and depression for years, but this was the first time I really felt it directly hinder my ability to function. I felt like I was constantly wading through molasses, or honey, or something else sticky and sluggish and slow. Everything took longer. I wasn’t picking up on or understanding things as well or as quickly. I would get upset or emotional about something, and no amount of music or TV or hour-long showers could shake me from feeling awful until I went to sleep. I lost motivation, I missed classes, and I had trouble finding joy in a lot of things I used to love. A lot of my days felt sedated, and arduous, and excruciating to get through. I felt really out of control.
I am not the type to give up, and I am not the type to settle. But sometimes, in moments of struggle, “trying” can look really different based on the situation. And for some reason, over the course of the past two months, my “trying” has shown itself through Google.
The other day I went through my search history to find something for a research project I was working on, and I ended up wading through upwards of 100 absolutely ridiculous searches in my history. I couldn’t believe myself–I actually googled THAT? Some of the questions I asked the internet were just the result of a distracted and ambling mind. Some would have been better answered if I had directed them to a person, or included them in a prayer. But when you feel like there’s no one around, you do what you can to manage.
My Google search history, for better or for worse, sums up how the past two months have gone for me pretty well. They are (at least in my opinion) a good representation of what it is to try to exist when you’re depressed–there are good moments, horrible moments, funny moments in between. A chronology of “trying.”
Here’s a sample (excluding all academia-related searches) of a twenty-one year old girl doing what she can to function for two months. All the following searches are real.
WHAT I GOOGLED THIS SEMESTER
- simple cheap recipes ramen noodles
- Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury
- is Bohemian Rhapsody bad
- is MOVIE Bohemian Rhapsody bad
- how to cook chicken
- how to stop an oil fire
- how to stop a smoke detector
- smoke detector beeping stop
- how to get smoke out of apartment
- soot in nose?
- how to fix burned pan
- how to cook chicken EASY
- broken iPhone screen
- Verizon insurance
- will Verizon insurance cover you if you threw your phone
- how to stop sleep paralysis
- how to block email thread gmail
- how to sign into iCloud iMac
- what is iCloud
- therapy iPhone app free
- Ghost Rider comics
- why does dry shampoo feel horrible
- how to calm down
- how to focus
- does GPA matter in magazine business
- how to talk to your professors about mental health
- car creaking noise when steering
- steering fluid leak?
- orientation leader resume examples
- how to stop crying
- christian bale
- christian bale batman
- christian bale eye mole
- can you see christian bale’s eye mole in batman mask
- Atlanta therapist
- how to be likable
- how to make friends
- difference between PS4 and XBOX
- scalp acne?
- how to stop an anxiety attack
- online horse games free
- bongo game girlsgogames.com
- bongo game with monkeys and Weezer song
- monkey bongo game girlsgogames play Weezer buddy holly
- Ubereats Mcdonalds
- how to feel better
- what to expect from group therapy
- why did bing try to compete with google
- how to be happy and stay happy
A lot happened. This is just a fraction. A messy, jumbled, misinformed fraction. But I am alive–and I smiled and laughed and got up every day before and through and after all of this. I actually talked to a real life person and now I’m getting help (more help than Googling “how to calm down,” anyway). I am getting better, and I am actively working on myself every day. I’m counting it as a win in progress.
Let this be a reminder to you that joy can permeate bad times, and that it’s worth it to stay above water. Through grease fires, broken phones, overwhelming days and lonely nights, falling GPA’s, groaning cars, depressive states and anxiety attacks, pushing yourself just for the sake of existing is worth it. When people ask me how I am, I respond that I’m working on it, which is the truest thing I can say. But I’m proud of that. I’m proud of working on myself. I’m thankful for it.
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Thank you for reading as always. Remember that there are resources (yes, I googled these, and you can too) that can help you if you need it.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK
National Suicide Prevention Website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
If you are a University student seeking help, you can also reach out to your advisor or other adults on your campus to get connected to a counseling program or intervention services. There are lots of different programs that Universities offer, and they can all help in different ways.
That’s all for now. See you guys soon.
Much love,
Erin